Welcome December!

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Salam.

Where do I start? After the one week plus holidays, I ended up having a fever, a flu cum sore throat symptoms and a dehydrated body; thanks to my day out on Tuesday.

Well, in another perspective, I am taking it as a self purity process from Him. Sakit itu kan penghapus dosa? While taking my resting day today, I was reading a book by Lois P. Frankel titled:

NICE GIRLS DONT GET THE CORNER OFFICE101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers.

Then, the these two phrases hit me off:

"We behave in ways consistent with the roles we were socialized to play, thereby never completely moving from girlhood to womanhood."

"When we try to break in of those roles and act in more mature, self actualizing ways, we are often met with subtle and not-so-subtle resistance designed to keep us back in a girl role. Comments like, "You are so cute when you are mad", "What's the matter, are you on the rag?" are designed to keep us in the role of a girl.

I have encountered those two comments so often during my working days that it sometimes did succeed in making me feeling so pampered and not being as I was expected to be. At least during working days.

Until I met my Bestfriend. Thank you very much for teaching me to be firmed and patiently coaching me so that I can be a grown up and not someone else's lil girl.

It is indeed a very tough situation.

Anyway, December is already here. Indicating twenty twelve is almost ends. And twenty thirteen will be coming up very soon.

And as the time goes by, I am starting to feel the pressure myself. Time is flying. But yet, I am still in the midst of nowhere yet. Be it in terms of career and love life.

Ouch.

I don't know why, but it seems like every person I met is like waiting for me to start the first move. Duh. Not man enough, or am I too scary??

My bestfriend said, I am kind of girl with high expectation. And that is so obvious. But I have tried to tone down during the first meeting.

Takkan nak kena berborak pasal benda yang girly? Or romantic stuff? Mmm..Or acting cute? Err..That is soo not me.

Maybe they are not the one. Pass.

 Anyway, I am still not giving up. And started to like the-sort-of-blind dates. Menarik jugak. Get to know new people kan?


This month is full of positive vibrations. Alhamdulillah.

Can't wait for another year to come. ;)

Bi iznillah.

50% Done.

I can never have a peaceful working time on Saturday. Ade aje orang datang mengacau. A curse in disguise?

Pfft..

isu di Gaza

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Usai membaca tentang peristiwa yang sedang berlaku di Gaza sana. Masih diserang. Dan berapa ramai yang terkorban, majoritinya adalah kanak-kanak dan wanita serta orang awam yang tidak bersalah.

Membuka halaman tweeter; Beribu tweet mengingatkan tentang sengsara rakyat di sana. Sebetulnya saudara seagama walau tidak sedarah daging. Melayari facebook; Berbagai reminder ditampal di dinding facebook. Berbicara tentang kepentingan mengingati betapa pentingnya pemboikotan barang-barang makanan dan produk US yang dipercayai menyalurkan dana untuk Israel.

Dan saya tersenyum membaca status adik kesayangan tentang isu pemboikotan ini yang bermusim.

Betullah katanya itu.

Saya bersetuju. Ia bermusim. Seketika bila mana isu ini reda, maka semua orang akan seolah-olah lupa tentang boikot. Macam biasa; "Oh kfc? Makan aje."

Saya tidak menentang sesiapa yang berasa patut untuk memboikot. Sila lah jika setakat itu saja yang mampu kamu lakukan. Memboikot. Tapi, pastikan kita berada di atas satu landasan kukuh. Punya alasan kukuh kenapa dan mengapa kita lakukan perkara ini. Bukan sekadar ikut-ikutan.

Sebelum memboikot; Pastikan dulu ekonomi kita ini betul-betul kukuh. Langsung tak bergantung kepada mana-mana kuasa besar untuk hidup. Boleh kau pastikan ini dulu sebelum bercakap tentang boikot?

Kalau setakat boikot, tapi taraf ekonomi masih belum cukup kuat, and I bet even worse(?) eversince Tun M letak jawatan; kau nak cakap apa? (you can shoot me if I am wrong.) And no. Am not a pro Tun M fanatical fan.

Second thing; think about what will happened to all those people yang bekerja untuk produk-produk yang kau boikot. They are mostly muslims. Are you going to make them jobless because of your campaign? Can you provide them with jobs after that?

Perkara ketiga ( bahasa bercampur kerana ter-emo, harap maaf); Just look at ourselves first. Have we become the best we should as a moslem? Mind you, I did not use Mu'meen because that is far above the level for ordinary people like us.

If we can not still live our life as a moslem fully; we will never succeed in fighting Israelites forces and army. 

So, Fight with your lust/ shahawah first. We call it mujahadah in Islam.The Western call it Self Improvement. Bina kekuatan diri dahulu. Kemudian bina keluarga pula. Dan baru keluar kepada masyarakat. Para aktivis dakwah cukup faham dengan konsep ini.

 Orang MLM pun guna konsep yang sama. I have found one talking about this; but sadly he can only preach without practising it as in the religion. Manusia, biasalah. Ambil mana nampak untung. Yang rasa susah, tolak tepi walau pun wajib. That shows the level. (Reminding myself too.)

Saya memang tak akan mengulas isu Gaza dengan secara formal. Korang boleh baca di mana-mana web. Berlambak berita. Pilih saja. Tak perlu untuk saya ulas lanjut.

Yang ingin saya ulas ialah tentang kita. Orang Malaysia, tipikal Melayu, Muslim. Bermusim boikotnya. Tak semua, saya tahu. Tapi majoriti. 

Keinsafan pun bermusim. Campak satu majlis hiburan; name it. AIM sebagai contoh. Eh? Lupa terus pada isu di Gaza. heh. Iman kita umat Islam zaman sekarang ni lebih dahsyat daripada rollercoaster. Naik turunnya  cepat sangat!

Allah, ini ke yang diharapkan untuk menjadi pejuang Islam? I beg to differ. 

Anyway,

Sebetulnya kecewa dengan diri sendiri.  

Sebab tak mampu untuk membantu selain hanya berdoa. Tak mampu untuk membantu selain menulis di dinding-dinding facebook. Tak mampu untuk mengubah apa-apa selain hanya mampu melihat dan membaca setiap laporan berita yang dikemaskini.

I feel useless.

Sangat.

Ada akal, tak dapat menyumbang.

Ada tenaga, tersimpan saja.

Hanya doa. Doa dan doa yang mampu dikirim.

Buat masa ini.

But I do hope to do more, in the near future.

Bi iznillah.

yes, it's Friday.

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Intro

Hari ini appointment tidak jadi. Kerana last minute buat panggilan. Orang yang kenal akan kata, "as expected. she's always like that."

Betul lah.

Kerana itu sifat itu sudah banyak hati yang terluka, terasa dan marah. And as usual, terima saja dengan pasrah segala marah dan sampah yang orang baling. Itu kan salah sendiri.

Tak apa. Paksa jugak diri untuk berubah. Sekuat mungkin. Sampai penat.

Tak apa.

Cerita Dia.

Kelmarin keluar berjumpa teman. Berkongsi cerita (sebetulnya dia yang banyak berkongsi, saya sekadar mendengar) tentang kehidupan. Clearly we have different views about life. Bukan saja pandangan, cara hidup pun tak sama.

Tapi ada sesuatu tentang dia yang yang buat saya rasa sangat interested untuk masih berkawan dengannya. Tapi jauh di sudut hati, we both know; ada satu tembok lutsinar yang tak bisa ditembusi melainkan dia berubah. dan dia masih tak bersedia. So we can't even be bestfriend. The closest one will be; close friend.

Jujurnya, mendengar cerita dia membuatkan saya banyak membuat reflection dalam kehidupan sendiri. I have a although not-so-well-planned-life, tapi kehidupan saya nampak seperti garis lurus di atas kertas putih yang cuma ada sedikit putus-putus dan bengkang-bengkok tanpa sebarang major reconstruction in life.

A pretty much good life. Living with a good and loving family. Cukup sempurna untuk saya.

Tapi dia tidak.

Dan saya tahu, itu bukan salah keluarganya. Cuma dia yang degil dan mahu mengurus kehidupan mengikut rentak kaki sendiri. In which I assumed, not well crafted yet.

Entahlah.

I just hope, one day; dia akan realize; menjadi baik tak perlu pengiktirafan manusia. Biarlah andai ditinggal walau pun diri dah cukup baik. Allah ada perancangan tersendiri untuk kita.

Sayang bila hanya kerana cinta tak kesampaian; kehidupan harus berubah 360 darjah dan menjadi lebih buruk.

Saya bukan siapa-siapa untuk menjadi penilai. But i do hope you pass the test so that you can move on to another stage in life.

Belajar untuk kenal Tuhan.
Itu harap saya.
Kerana kita cuma hamba. with nothing. 

Getting all mushy and stupid for once.

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Sendiri.

Waktu untuk bersendiri lagi. Waktu untuk melihat dan berfikir. Melihat dan memerhati. Setiap sudut dan langkah yang telah diambil. Sama ada selari atau pincang daripada perancangan yang telah dilakar. Mungkin tidak cukup kemas.

Pasti. Masih belum cukup kemas dan tersusun.

Antara realiti sebuah kehidupan dan perasaan. Menjadi seorang realist itu kadang kala melelahkan dan memberatkan jiwa. How I wish to have back that free soul. Tapi detik hidup daripada suatu titik kepada suatu titik itu telah mengubah paradigma saya tentang kehidupan.

Walaupun tahap kematangan itu masih lagi tidak di paras sepatutnya, tetapi saya telah belajar untuk menjadi seorang yang sangat realistik.

Terlalu.

Sehingga membuatkan saya terlalu mengira apa pun. Termasuk hati dan perasaan. Bukan menjadi seorang yang terlalu berperasaan. Tetapi menjadi lebih biasa-biasa.

Drama. Sudah terlalu kurang.

Cerita. Sudah masuk kepada isi penting sahaja. Tiada lagi hiasan wall paper seperti dulu. Masih ada. Tapi terlalu kurang.


Is Love Blooms All The Way?

Honestly, I have become a lil bit reserved when it comes to this.

I am sorry..but my trust is so precious that I find it hard to give it to a guy wholly. Being a judgemental, I am taught to act and do accordingly.

Although sometimes it does slips through. One or two times. But I will never let my guard down. Never. I did once. And it was the biggest mistake I have ever done in life.

 Not to be repeated again in my  life afterwards.

You should never go beyond the boundary and line that I have put up against us. Patience is what you need in order to breakthrough the wall and gain my trust.

Because feelings are just feelings..

It doesn't promise anything.. 

And thousands words won't simply justify who and what you are. 

Only your attitude and actions will..

Only best man wins.

Enough said.

holding on and letting go. is definitely hard.

Sometimes the one we’re taking,

Changes every one before..

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't..

It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed..

Some prayers find an answer,

Some prayers never know..

We're holding on and letting go..

Sometimes we're holding angels,

And we never even know..

Don't know if we'll make it, 

But we know,

We just can't let it show...

That weird Question

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

I was once asked a question that struck like lightning to me.

"Eh bf dulu tak pernah kiss ke?"

Had make me wondered.

"Kenapa? Aneh sangat ke kalau tak pernah? Was it necessary? Did I look as if I can easily let it happened?"

"Kan dah cakap, tak boleh? Kenapa? Tak percaya?"

Replied with, "Sikit-sikitlah"

Sigh.

Nevermind. Maybe it sounds ridiculous. Or perhaps there is something that I should change about me.

It just remind me back to one conversation I had with my Mentor previously.

"You? Hiking?..you must be kidding me.."

Me, with one eyebrow raised replied, " Err..why? Do you think I didn't look tough enough for that activity?"

Chuckled, "Yeah..I think so.."

Duhh..

Letih.

Lantak kau lah nak fikir/percaya atau tak.

I am not living for you.

Now, If you will excuse me please, I have some other important stuff to be taken care of..