the abnormality

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

sibuk membaiki diri..terlupa menyiram hati sendiri. sibuk membaiki diri demi dunia, terlupa hakikat pengabdian diri pada Allah itu harus mencakupi segala aspek kehidupan.

Ya Allah,

Ingatkan aku di kala aku lalai,
Tarik tanganku di saat langkahku tersasar dari landasan yang telah Engkau tetapkan,

Ya Allah,

Aku bukan siapa-siapa di mataMu,
Aku cuma hamba yang miskin, lemah dan serba kekurangan,

Tetapi aku pohon cuma satu ya Allah,

pandanganMu untuk ku tak pernah hilang,

I cant lie to myself. And this is killing me inside. sigh..

apa yang mampu aku jawab di hadapanMu nanti andai Engkau bertanyakan tentang segala nikmat yang telah diberikan Mu, Tuhanku?...

frustration is nil now.

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

*tiup habuk.

hm...nampak gayanya page ni dah berhabuk. sangat. and i have lost my touch in writing. lost it all. i have something in mind, but couldn't write it down in a constructive manner. maybe i should just write it down in my red velvet book.

*kecewa. sebab tak dapat menulis. lagi.

ps: kalau dalaman pun kering dan perlu disiram. lupakan hasrat untuk menyiram dan membasahi hati-hati di luar sana. hati sendiri lebih crucial untuk dijaga terlebih dahulu.

pss: even if you still dont have faith in me, it doesnt matter now. because i know He sees it. and i know He knows up to the microscopic level how much effort i have poured for this and still giving my best to change. as long as i know He still give me chances, believe in me and know i have changed, it doesn't matter even if nobody have faith in me.

sebab hidup ini demi Dia. (sepatutnya) and that guidance given is appreciated. cuma mungkin expectation terlalu tinggi within limited time?

what is life?

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

today i woke up, thinking what life is all about?

the past few days i had a talk, discussing what kind of planning..i mean life planning that i have for myself. to be honest? nil. not a solid one. a rough sketch? yes. but a definite and perfect one? no.

and that makes me realize, we can't just simply plan our whole life when u just don't know how to picture yourself after 20 years time. what i really want in this life? i have no idea. maybe i just lost it somewhere. tertinggal di mana-mana.

in 2010, i have slowly construct my own mindset. but unfortunately along the way, it was all destroyed due to too many reasons. but the main rootcause was; because i dont have that strong and bold personality. my personality is changeable. according to situation if it is affecting people. unconscious self-sacrificing. or too diplomatic in a very bad way.

i am really a peaceful phlegmatic person at heart. sigh.

right now, everytime i go to sleep i will give myself a moment. to think. what kind of day i would like myself to have tomorrow? what can i do to improve myself in anyway? what can i give to other people so that i can always make myself helpful for others around me. in other way, to keep me independent at all times.

when we become the giver, we will be less dependent. because that needs us to be more proactive, taking out  more responsibilities, learning how to control situations, forces us to think in a different way. looking at all the possible angles.verifying back all the consequences for all the decisions we take.

in simple explanation; we learned how to plan, do, act and checking back in the right and correct way. (supposedly). this what i do recently. to improve myself.

and what i should do next; is to create back my life planning. theoretically, by using the house construction diagram.

well, at this age im pretty sure i know what i want. it is just i need to properly construct them back. i think im in my comfort zone already. i need to get out of it now.

A Song For You

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Dear Sister,

Yesterday, You told me about the stages in ukhuwwah,

It was the very first thing i learned when i joined this circle called 'happy family' 

back in 2006.

Thank you for reminding me about the forgotten tale,

That a sahabah is someone who will not only  stay by your side,

when needed..

But also a someone,

who constantly reminding you when you forget things you shouldn't,

A person who can sings back the song to you,

when you have forgotten the lyrics,

Someone who will shed tears for you,

Not because of pity..

but because she could also feel the pain and heavy feelings you have inside,

even when you haven't told her yet..

Who will be in deep sorrow,

 when your path sometimes goes astray,

But all in all,

a true friend, is someone who never fails to remember  you,

in everything she do,

in every prayer she recites,

in every moment she lives,

you're there inside her heart..

even with countless sacrifices she made,

she'll never remind you back,

because for her,

your happiness and lite up face,

has given her the indescribable happiness..

in life..

thank you for the unconditional love, that only family could've give..

So i sing this song as a memory
Close your eyes listen to this
Sing along, can you remember me? oh yea
This was for you a long time back
And its still for you, today i stand
where the stars shine for you

And everything that went away
Let them all go away
cause i am here for you today

Close your eyes
Listen to me
Listen to the song that i wrote for you
You know its true
That i am here for you
All i want is for you to be here with me

So i sing this song for you and me
Close your eyes listen to this
Sing along, now can you see? oh yea 


This was for you all my life
And its still for you, today i stand
where i sing for you


ps: this one is also for every person who holds special place in my heart..a promise not to be forgotten..

hello friday!

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

What is exactly strategic thinking?

I tried to download some journals from Sciencedirect about this topic, but apparently it costs me money in which I am unwilling to pay. *yea..kedekut gile untuk ilmu (but FOC items look much more tempting!) lol. anyway, I should thank my lil brother for teaching and guiding me on this matter.

*hugs.

on the other hand, i am trying to get everything under control at the moment. definitely trying my best!. walaupun lembap sikit daripada kura-kura.

second item is that, yes..i am too occupied with my own life. i should not let working life take over my whole life. including my precious time with my own family.

i miss home.

very much.

ps: personal issue is not my priority at the moment. i am done thinking. for something that is beyond my control where i have less than 50% control over it, i will not overdo or overthink like i used to before. God is there for me, isnt it? As-Sami'..i know He heard me. and always hears me. definitely!.

*smile.

random thoughts

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

The 3 Things in life that we should know;

That is why these logic should be apply in life;  

because apparently:

credits to my friend; i found this on her FB page. ;)

rambling..p1

in the name of Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

I have been too occupied with work and events in my life these past few weeks. also have been in the all-so-stressed-mode until i fall sick. well, it wasn't totally about work. there is also a personal issue that needed me to straightened out myself. in which required me to be perfectly in rational mode.

*hembus nafas.

i guess i cant fight my conscience. because it was the core value and my principle in life. you cant just simply throw away something that you have been holding and believing for years.

it's like the only branch that you hold and you trust with all your heart, it wont break no matter how hard the tornado hits. and i grow up holding this values, which shaped me to be who i am today. what am i supposed to do when i need go against my own morale values? it's killing me inside. fullstop.

i hate struggling. and i hate going through harsh and hard moment in life. it is not hard in a physical way actually. but it kills my passion about life eventually. *yeah, i  know i am nagging about things now. literally. without telling exactly what the problem is.

never mind, will try to work it out later. i will put it under pending item. important, but not urgent. the urgency should be put on my unsettled zillion tasks (im a drama queen, huh?).  but whatever it is, i need to starts planning my work this weekend. maybe it will cost me a day or two. at least it will clear me out from those pending tasks.

my responsibilities are getting heavier. i notice that myself. and i wonder why was i given this responsibilities when i am not ready yet?. maybe i need to speed up my reading so i can read up more books by the end of next month. kenapa nak baca buku tiba-tiba? dan apa kena mengena buku dengan responsibility?

well, simply said, to gain more and moooreee knowledge! kepala dah berkarat bila berfikir tanpa pertambahan ilmu yang sepatutnya. and recently, apa yang selalu dibincangkan was all about work. and work. and yeah, some gossips to spice up the life. *giggles. just kidding.

im tired. if this year i still cant manage to my work well, maybe it is time to think about alternative. but one of my colleague said, that was an escapism. the easy way out. yeah, couldn't agree more with him. but on the other hand, if this escapism can increase my capability and strength and improve my overall values, why not?

it is still an option. isn't it?